Tuesday, 31 May 2016

time and its ways

Time has been passing in a tangible way lately.
Like I could just reach out and touch this whirlwind of changing events and emotions, this changing young woman, as if it had suddenly turned into something real and solid and concrete.

It occurred to me as I was laying awake last night that these are the days I dreamed of as a little girl.
The years of growing up were something I looked forward to, something that 'one day' would bring.

Slowly, 'one day' turned into today.
And now today is turning into yesterday.
I don't know how I feel about that.

It feels like I was a young teenager yesterday, and now I turn seventeen in less than two weeks.
Next year, I'll legally, technically, be an adult.

I want to turn around and tell the twelve-year-old me that she shouldn't rush this growing up thing, that she should savour each age and not eagerly await the next without enjoying the current one. That the future is out there, closer than she knows.
That these milestones are around the corner and they pile up, they tell of months and years gone by.

I want to tell her to take the risks, to tear off the masks, to stop being someone she's not for the sake of a world that doesn't know what it's about anyway.

That each day is all you have in that moment, all you'll ever have. One day at a time. That's it.
You run the day or the day runs you, isn't that what they say?

As humans, we're ignorant to the fast pace that hours, days, years take to go by. We're afraid to acknowledge it, ashamed of how much we haven't accomplished, of how much we've wasted. The passing of time is a concept we don't look in the eyes, we're oblivious to it. Perhaps deliberately so.

We live with the delusion of "there's always tomorrow".

But there's not. Time doesn't wait for anyone, nor is tomorrow ever guaranteed.
Life is one long string of "now or never" and it's all or nothing.

These bruises and scars are nothing to be ashamed of, they prove you showed up for the fight.

Change is inevitable. It's scary, but it is something that is entwined with life, wrapped up and around time as it goes on.
Also, change is beautiful. Don't try to avoid it. Embrace the you that wakes up different every morning, embrace the way you grow, embrace the surprises life throws at you.

Change teaches us that every day is precious and rare, a gift.
Every year is an adventure.
The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.

Life's full of it all.

Monday, 30 May 2016

when writing doesn't help

Sometimes these pent up feelings flow out easy onto paper
and the relief is instant
and feels like a mountain climbed.

but sometimes they're stuck and I can't explain what these emotions do to me,
only that they're heavy and suffocating and lifeless.

And it hurts, numbing the walls of my heart,
I can't feel a thing,
I don't know what to do with my hands,
breathing in and out becomes a war.

And really, honestly,
I don't want to talk about it.