time and its ways

Time has been passing in a tangible way lately.
Like I could just reach out and touch this whirlwind of changing events and emotions, this changing young woman, as if it had suddenly turned into something real and solid and concrete.

It occurred to me as I was laying awake last night that these are the days I dreamed of as a little girl.
The years of growing up were something I looked forward to, something that 'one day' would bring.

Slowly, 'one day' turned into today.
And now today is turning into yesterday.
I don't know how I feel about that.

It feels like I was a young teenager yesterday, and now I turn seventeen in less than two weeks.
Next year, I'll legally, technically, be an adult.

I want to turn around and tell the twelve-year-old me that she shouldn't rush this growing up thing, that she should savour each age and not eagerly await the next without enjoying the current one. That the future is out there, closer than she knows.
That these milestones are around the corner and they pile up, they tell of months and years gone by.

I want to tell her to take the risks, to tear off the masks, to stop being someone she's not for the sake of a world that doesn't know what it's about anyway.

That each day is all you have in that moment, all you'll ever have. One day at a time. That's it.
You run the day or the day runs you, isn't that what they say?

As humans, we're ignorant to the fast pace that hours, days, years take to go by. We're afraid to acknowledge it, ashamed of how much we haven't accomplished, of how much we've wasted. The passing of time is a concept we don't look in the eyes, we're oblivious to it. Perhaps deliberately so.

We live with the delusion of "there's always tomorrow".

But there's not. Time doesn't wait for anyone, nor is tomorrow ever guaranteed.
Life is one long string of "now or never" and it's all or nothing.

These bruises and scars are nothing to be ashamed of, they prove you showed up for the fight.

Change is inevitable. It's scary, but it is something that is entwined with life, wrapped up and around time as it goes on.
Also, change is beautiful. Don't try to avoid it. Embrace the you that wakes up different every morning, embrace the way you grow, embrace the surprises life throws at you.

Change teaches us that every day is precious and rare, a gift.
Every year is an adventure.
The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly.

Life's full of it all.

when writing doesn't help

Sometimes these pent up feelings flow out easy onto paper
and the relief is instant
and feels like a mountain climbed.

but sometimes they're stuck and I can't explain what these emotions do to me,
only that they're heavy and suffocating and lifeless.

And it hurts, numbing the walls of my heart,

I can't feel a thing,

I don't know what to do with my hands,

breathing in and out becomes a war.

And really, honestly,

I don't want to talk about it.

the human nature

There's beauty to be found in wild, messy, untamable hair and wild eyes.

In sitting cross legged like a five year old again.

Even in tears shed over lost love and innocence.

In desperation and drowning fear.

Vulnerability and blind red rage.

In the pathetic attempts to heal a heart broken into millions of golden pieces.

In shy side glances and uncertain smiles.

Beauty in grief over a dead bird.

In being emotional.

In blank stares of people that don't know anymore.

In girls that prefer not to look at themselves in a mirror without make up that lie.

In counting calories and shaking your head 'no' even though you wanted to shout 'yes'.

In feelings whose roots find themselves deeply woven into your arteries and sprouting flowers shaped like stars.

There's beauty in the emotion that wells up in you when you smell the perfume your mother used to wear.

In the dramatic effect music can have on your heart.

In maternal instincts.

In a friend's arms.

Even in feeling the Sunday type of blue.

There is beauty in the human nature.
Woven into DNA and flowing through veins like harmless poison.

we're all gonna be okay

I've just really felt uninspired to blog lately, but it's 13:46 now and I'm finished with most of my schoolwork, though I actually should get back to math to completely figure out loci...

I suddenly felt the urge to blog, and that's why I'm sitting on my bed right now, blanket draped across crossed legs and second day hair pulled up in a messy bun that's so messy that it looks like a bird has nested and reared its young somewhere in the middle of my head.
(On the bright side, at least I'm not ashamed to say that my nails look really fantastic right now. Light peachy pink, with a shimmer.)

I asked myself what I would've wanted to read as a reader of this blog, and quite frankly, it's as simple as a quick post to be reminded that everyone struggles, but we'll make it out just fine.

I think sometimes we forget that. That we'll be okay.

That the things facing us down now won't matter in a year.
You're going to figure it out.
Even if you're bleeding right now, I know you'll smile real, genuine smiles again.
If you're not getting enough sleep at the moment, lazy Saturdays, the real kind where you can actually sleep in, are around the corner.
Your hard work will pay off.
You'll get rid of that acne.
You are going to find someone that will make you feel like waking up to Friday, every day.
If you don't understand what the hell is going on in your chemistry book right now, you will eventually.
Your hair will grow long again.

I promise you that.

AND AFTER MENOPAUSE THERE ARE NO MORE BLOODY DAYS OF BEING ON YOUR PERIOD EVER AGAIN.

spring in Cape Town

 

Mum was planting flowers when I snapped this. I kinda liked it. 

 

Aren't flowers just the most photogenic little things ever?

Amsterdam

This post is almost a week overdue, but better late than never, right?

Amsterdam has been an experience and a half. I loved every single minute. The canals, the little houses, the streets, the food, the people. I lost my heart to this city, and even now I'm home, pieces of my heart will always remain in Europe.

 

Yellow bike ride tour through the Dutch countryside. It was a highlight.

 

 

 

We took a day trip to Volendam, a small town outside Amsterdam.

 

I fell deeply in love with this mug, so I bought it and packed it in between a sweater in my suitcase. Now I drink my morning coffee out of it and feel homesick for a city that I don't belong to every morning.

 

I saw this little girl outside a museum my mom and I visited, and I don't even really know why, but I felt like I couldn't not take a picture of her. Isn't she beautiful?

 

My dad gave us his airport lounge card that he got because he flies a lot, and it was amazing and it said "By invitation only" SO I FELT SO IMPORTANT LIKE OH MY GOSH.

Because our flight was early in the morning, we had breakfast in the lounge and after that we looked through duty free and then boarded the plane.

Somehow traveling has the ability to form you and grow you into the most authentic version of yourself you are capable of being.

 

I am now a part of this world wiser and richer.

 

What a lovely, lovely thing to be able to say.

Paris

It's time to post about the City Of Lights (or city of love, the amount of couples and PDA in Paris is astounding...)
I kind of expected a perfect city, with hazy pink light and being able to see the Eiffel from every second street corner. It was a bit (okay, very) unrealistic. But Paris is still imperfectly perfect, and I feel so blessed that I was able to spend five days in Paris at the age of sixteen.

Now, picturessss. (In no particular order.)

 

 

We had a picnic dinner at the Sacre Coeur on our first night.

 

 

 

 

Metro sittin'.

 

Almost the tippy top of the Eiffel.

 

Claude Monet's water lillies.

 

Best ice cream I've ever had in my whole entire life on our last night in Paris.

 

 Louvre.

 

We were on our way to the Notre Dame, but we got a bit side tracked...

 

The Seine River.

 

 

 

We're in Amsterdam right now, and it's very beautiful and...interesting.

We fly back home on Saturday, and I'm glad to be going back. A bit homesick, to be honest.

But homesickness aside, I'm having the time of my life.